Coincidence? A Sign? God.

As I'm sure you can tell from my last post, things have not been easy. I've been struggling internally a lot lately. Although I will say and type over and over, "weight loss does NOT equal success" I am going on a week of not losing any weight (weight log)and quite honestly, I'm getting burnt out. I'm questioning if what I'm doing is really going to make a difference. I feel like giving up so desperately at times it hurts. Today I had a frank conversation with God.

I don't know what your relationship with God is like, if you have a relationship with Him at all, or if you've simply never had one....and to me, it doesn't matter. I do not judge.  God and I have been round and round. I first started out loving Him because I was told that's what you do. I started out trusting in Him because the Bible told me so.
Then I started to believe that prayer was the same thing as bargaining or making a deal. "Dearest and most precious Lord, I know I don't pray to you often enough but I've really been trying to get Eric to notice me soooooo if you make him see what an awesome, beautiful, and loving girl I am and have him ask me out, I promise to pray more often." When that didn't work, I started to beg him and threaten him. "Alright now. I'm not even sure if you exist or not. They say you can do ANYTHING, right? Well, prove it to me! Let me wake up tomorrow 10 pounds lighter or else I'm just going to stop believing in you."
I had questions about my faith but I dare not ask my dad. "God is good, trust in God. If you don't, you will burn for eternity in hell." And if that was true, then I'm sorry, but I didn't care to get to know God. I felt I had a right to ask questions. There came a point on my life where I just didn't trust anymore. I didn't know of He really existed or not but if he did,, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with Him.

And what changed? I didn't have some epic life changing moment. I didn't have some Devine vision from God. I just realized that I wasn't seeing the big picture. I was angry that my phone line to God wasn't getting me immediate results and I was ignoring all the beauty that He WAS blessing me with. I realized that though my husband and I were fighting through infertility, and even though it was so unbelievably unfair, God had placed some pretty amazing friends in my life to help pull me through. I might have had to wait 3 years, countless exams, tests, fertility medicine, surgeries and thousands and thousands of dollars down the drain (and for all of that in the end to have failed), but I had the love and support of most of my family and all of my friends. I was (and still am) blessed, even in my darkest of days.

So I found my way back to God and of course, my church and church family also played (and continues to play) a very important role in that. I found a church where I didn't have to pretend I was perfect. I didn't have to pretend that I never once questioned my faith, that there was never a point in my life where I despised God. I could truly be myself and they would love me for it. And even if they don't ALL love me, they do not condemn me.

I suppose I'm really getting off topic here.

So what am I saying? God and I are on a fist name basis. God and I are closer now than we've ever been before. When I pray, I'm usually doing one of two things, if not both. I praise Him for all He has blessed me with and I ask for clarity. I constantly want to know that the decisions I am making are not just the right decisions, but the best decisions.

Which bring me to today. This morning.

I'm in my kitchen after getting on the horrid scale. I'm frustrated, mad, and desperate. I'm stressed out. I'm talking to God. I'm trying to reason with Him, asking why my efforts don't feel enough. I'm begging for some peace of mind. I need to know that what I am doing will pay off. I just want to know that I am doing well.

There was no voice talking back to me but I did feel a sense of peace. Some calmness.

Then I came across this video. It's not long, I promise. It's work and kid friendly. Check it out.

If you are obese, the likelihood your child will be obese increases by 50%.

Fifty percent. FIFTY percent. Holy cow. That's very alarming. And it was my answer.

The scale is my enemy. The scale makes me want to quit and give in but my body and mind keep telling me the I feel wonderful. My mind keeps telling me to keep going. Logic says that if all I am giving my body is fresh vegetables and fruits, I'm bettering my health. It's not complicated at all. Fresh, natural foods are better for you than processed crap. Even my 5 year olds know that.

Anyway, I really hope that no matter where you are on your journey, you are able to find peace somewhere and faith in the fact that what we are doing is an amazing gift to ourselves and for our children.

Juice on!

Day 4- Urgent Care

Whew. What a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I woke up this morning with a lot of pressure in my left ear. I was bound and determined to make it to our small local farmer's market so I pushed on.

We got to the market, bought lots of fresh greens and we met some nice farmers. We told them about our juicing reboot and some of the farmers had no idea what we were talking about and then others had their own recommendation of mixed greens that is usually a big hit with other juicers. Cool!

Oh, and classic Teela. I saw these beautiful green, almost flower looking things? I knew it was probably a vegetable but I didn't really know what it was, I just knew I wanted it. So I walk up to this booth and patiently wait for all the other customers to leave (boy, I'm glad I waited) and then asked, "These look great! What is it?"


"Broccoli."


Uh huh. Smooth one, Teela. Smooth.


Anyway, the pressure in my ear soon turned painful and by the time we got home, I was nearly in tears. My husband urged me to go to Urgent Care. Once the doctor put the scope in my ear he said, "Oh man! That is one ugly, pissed off infection. Your eardrum is about to burst." He sent me away with some antibiotics and numbing drops for my ear. I get home and my husband gets ready to get my medicine and the pharmacy says they don't have the drops and that they won't be in until Monday. Today is Saturday. My eardrum is about to explode, I haven't had food in 4 days, I'm in pain, and they tell me I'll have to wait until Monday?!?! Ummm.....I was on the verge of murdering someone!!!

Long story short, we transferred the prescription to another pharmacy and after being in intense pain for 5 hours, my wonderful husband was home with numbing drops for my ear. God, I love him.

But during all of this, I got mad. I got angry. I wanted to give up. I cried and cried and cried.

Why is this so hard??? Why is my natural reaction to anything negative that happens in my life, to overeat and to overeat on such trash?

Because for years, whenever I was happy, I would eat. Whenever I was sad, I would eat. Whenever I was worried or anxious, I would eat. Whenever I wanted to celebrate, I would eat. Whenever I hung out with friends or family, I would eat. I would eat.
I would eat.
I would eat.
It didn't matter the occasion.
It didn't matter the emotion.
I rewarded myself with food.
I've done this for years. Of course breaking a nasty habit won't happen overnight. It's going to take work and dedication. I'm going to struggle but I am so gracious that I have the support of my husband and friends.

Hello, I am Teela and I am addicted to unhealthy food. I am addicted to food that WILL kill me.