Unexpected Motivation

About a month ago I went to some training (for lack of a better word) for a stay-at-home business I do on the side to earn us some extra income. A friend of mine whom I've not seen in about a year was supposed to meet up with me there.

About an hour after I get there, I get a text from my friend asking me where I was. I replied with something like, "I'm at the front of the room, over to the left of the stage. Where are you?" And she replied saying she was also to the left of the stage. I turned around to find her but I couldn't find her among the thousands of other women there so I stood up and walked to the side of the room, standing up against the wall. I sent her a text telling her where I was now.

A minute or so passes...and I'm starting to wonder if I've lost my mind. Why can't my friend find me? I know we are at the same convention center. We are in the same room, same side of the room....what is going on?

And then she sees me and comes over apologizing.

"I am so sorry!! I saw you standing there and I kept saying to myself, 'That's not Teela.' You've lost a TON of weight! You look great!!!"

And man, that made me feel good. Not to mention, this happened about 4 days before starting my 40 day juice fast.

And while I've not forgotten her kind words, when the scale was refusing to budge for me, I started having really negative thoughts. "Yeah. She said I look like I've lost weight but she's always been sweet. She was just being polite."

And my husband suggested that I go back and find some photos of me last summer, at my heaviest (around the same weight I was when I last saw my friend) so I went looking. And MAN, when you are as fat and miserable as I was, you will go to great lengths to make sure you aren't in a photo. And I did a good job of using my children as shields anytime a camera was present.

I'm almost ashamed to even share this photo....but it also shows how far I've really come on my own. And it makes me proud, which is huge. I've not been proud of myself in a very long time.

There I was, about a month after being told my husband had aggressive bone cancer, and about a week before the surgery that almost took him away from us. That's my husband holding our Little Dude 3.0 and I am trying, though not being successful at all, to hide behind Little Dude 2.0 and Little Dude 1.0.

The second photo is of me and Little Dude 1.0 and Little Dude 2.0 last night at their school play. And last night.....I felt pretty. Last night while I was in Little Dude 2.0's classroom, a little girl came up to me and said, "Mrs. Herman, you look beautiful!" and I almost cried right then and there. Silly, I know. She's just a 5 year old girl. But she thinks I'm beautiful and that gives me motivation.

A friend who doesn't recognize you due to the amount of weight you've lost, that's my motivation.

Having one of my 5 year olds wrap their arms around me and knowing they can touch their fingers.....that's motivation.

Blog comments by strangers and loyal blog readers.....that's motivation.

15.4 lbs down in 24 days.....that's motivation.

56 lbs down in about 6 months.....that's motivation.

Zipping up my size 12 jeans.....comfortably......that's motivation.


What's YOUR motivation?

Photo Update!

Day 23
No food, only juice.

I'm down 14.6 lbs and feeling great!

And wow. Not only do I feel the difference, I can SEE it!

Coincidence? A Sign? God.

As I'm sure you can tell from my last post, things have not been easy. I've been struggling internally a lot lately. Although I will say and type over and over, "weight loss does NOT equal success" I am going on a week of not losing any weight (weight log)and quite honestly, I'm getting burnt out. I'm questioning if what I'm doing is really going to make a difference. I feel like giving up so desperately at times it hurts. Today I had a frank conversation with God.

I don't know what your relationship with God is like, if you have a relationship with Him at all, or if you've simply never had one....and to me, it doesn't matter. I do not judge.  God and I have been round and round. I first started out loving Him because I was told that's what you do. I started out trusting in Him because the Bible told me so.
Then I started to believe that prayer was the same thing as bargaining or making a deal. "Dearest and most precious Lord, I know I don't pray to you often enough but I've really been trying to get Eric to notice me soooooo if you make him see what an awesome, beautiful, and loving girl I am and have him ask me out, I promise to pray more often." When that didn't work, I started to beg him and threaten him. "Alright now. I'm not even sure if you exist or not. They say you can do ANYTHING, right? Well, prove it to me! Let me wake up tomorrow 10 pounds lighter or else I'm just going to stop believing in you."
I had questions about my faith but I dare not ask my dad. "God is good, trust in God. If you don't, you will burn for eternity in hell." And if that was true, then I'm sorry, but I didn't care to get to know God. I felt I had a right to ask questions. There came a point on my life where I just didn't trust anymore. I didn't know of He really existed or not but if he did,, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with Him.

And what changed? I didn't have some epic life changing moment. I didn't have some Devine vision from God. I just realized that I wasn't seeing the big picture. I was angry that my phone line to God wasn't getting me immediate results and I was ignoring all the beauty that He WAS blessing me with. I realized that though my husband and I were fighting through infertility, and even though it was so unbelievably unfair, God had placed some pretty amazing friends in my life to help pull me through. I might have had to wait 3 years, countless exams, tests, fertility medicine, surgeries and thousands and thousands of dollars down the drain (and for all of that in the end to have failed), but I had the love and support of most of my family and all of my friends. I was (and still am) blessed, even in my darkest of days.

So I found my way back to God and of course, my church and church family also played (and continues to play) a very important role in that. I found a church where I didn't have to pretend I was perfect. I didn't have to pretend that I never once questioned my faith, that there was never a point in my life where I despised God. I could truly be myself and they would love me for it. And even if they don't ALL love me, they do not condemn me.

I suppose I'm really getting off topic here.

So what am I saying? God and I are on a fist name basis. God and I are closer now than we've ever been before. When I pray, I'm usually doing one of two things, if not both. I praise Him for all He has blessed me with and I ask for clarity. I constantly want to know that the decisions I am making are not just the right decisions, but the best decisions.

Which bring me to today. This morning.

I'm in my kitchen after getting on the horrid scale. I'm frustrated, mad, and desperate. I'm stressed out. I'm talking to God. I'm trying to reason with Him, asking why my efforts don't feel enough. I'm begging for some peace of mind. I need to know that what I am doing will pay off. I just want to know that I am doing well.

There was no voice talking back to me but I did feel a sense of peace. Some calmness.

Then I came across this video. It's not long, I promise. It's work and kid friendly. Check it out.

If you are obese, the likelihood your child will be obese increases by 50%.

Fifty percent. FIFTY percent. Holy cow. That's very alarming. And it was my answer.

The scale is my enemy. The scale makes me want to quit and give in but my body and mind keep telling me the I feel wonderful. My mind keeps telling me to keep going. Logic says that if all I am giving my body is fresh vegetables and fruits, I'm bettering my health. It's not complicated at all. Fresh, natural foods are better for you than processed crap. Even my 5 year olds know that.

Anyway, I really hope that no matter where you are on your journey, you are able to find peace somewhere and faith in the fact that what we are doing is an amazing gift to ourselves and for our children.

Juice on!

Day 20

Well, it's day 20 and I need to be honest. I'm pretty discouraged and tired of this. My weight loss has completely stalled and my attitude is pretty bad right now.

I'm trying to do it all and be everything and I'm so overwhelmed.

I've given up eating for TWENTY DAYS and I've not lost any weight for the past 7 days (actually, I've just gained and then bounced around) and my self esteem is really starting to suffer.

I feel like I am losing my mind and although I feel a lot better, the fact that I know absolutely everything that is going into my body and I am still not losing weight.....I'm starting to question if this is worth it.

Ahhhhh!!!!!

Orange, Spinach and Mint

Wow.

STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW!!!

Just as I was starting to get really bored!!!! This drink is absolutely fabulous!!!! And a huge thanks to my friend Liesl for sharing this recipe with me. I will be making this one again, for sure. The mint adds the perfect touch. I can't wait to play around with mint some more!!!!

1/2 bunch of spinach
2 large naval oranges
2 mint leaves

And We Have Weight Loss!!!

Starting weight: 193
Current weight: 182.6 (Day 13)

I changed up my juices yesterday and the weight came off!!! I had a reader suggest I look at my juices and limit my carrots, beets and sweet potatoes and it really paid off. So thank you for that advice!

I also made sure to get in all of my water before noon. I didn't have to get up to pee in the middle of the night once!!

Day 13 and I think I finally have that juicing high they talk about!! I feel great! I've been awake since 4 am and I have more energy now than ever before.

Oh! I found myself getting annoyed that I had to keep pulling my pants up. Then I realized....IT'S BECAUSE MY PANTS ARE TOO BIG!!!!

I'm so motivated and ready to juice on!

My Why (Day 12)

My weight loss has stopped.

I adore my male readers and for your sake, if you happen to be male and you happened upon this blog post, just look to your right and pick another topic, okay? I hate to exclude men (and I promise not to do it but once a month) but I'm married to one and I know even he doesn't want to read about this.

Last warning.

I woke up on Thursday (Day 9) feeling like I could eat the face off my children, okay? The day before, the cravings were so strong I felt crazy and Thursday morning I realized why. Mother Monthly came for a visit. Unannounced. I was not prepared for her and I never thought that PMS cravings would be so difficult. I also never imagined the weight gain simply from my period. Wow. I got on the scale that morning and I wanted to pick up the scale and smash it into little bitty pieces. Now, I love my husband dearly but for good measure, I wanted to take the scale and bash him in the head with it. Truthfully. I did. He continued to lose weight while I struggled, stuck to the juice and GAINED!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? weight?? Oh yes. I. gained. weight.

I want to tell you how well I managed my anger. I want to tell you have very rational I was about everything and about how seeing that weight gain only motivated me to keep doing what I was doing. I want to tell you how I told myself that water retention was not within my control. I want to tell you a lot of things...but I also don't want to lie.

I broke down. I cried and cried and cried. I got SO furious, not just with myself but with my husband (because if I can't lose weight, he'd better not lose any either, right???) and with God. I shook my fists. I screamed, "Why???????" Why!?!?! Why am I doing this!?!? Why is it so difficult??? Why can't God wave his magical wand and JUST MAKE IT ALL BETTER!?!?!

And then I prayed.

And I found some calm.
And then I made some juice.

Why am I doing this?
Because I love myself.
Because I deserve to live a happy and HEALTHY life.
Because my family deserves to have me around for as long as possible.
Because even if the scale has temporarily stopped, I FEEL better, my pants fit better and I look better.
Because I know I am making healthy decision for myself and for my family.

So, why are YOU doing this? What's YOUR why?

I've changed my comment settings so anyone should be able to comment now!!

Mama Called The Doctor (and the doctor said)

I'm floored.

A very long and very boring story short(er?), I ended up going to see my family care physician yesterday due to a persistent ear infection. I explained to him my new "diet" for lent, I explained my addiction to bad foods, I explained what I am consuming (gave him an example of a day of juice for me) and that I am consuming it only through juice, told him that I have been feeling wonderful (aside from the pesky ear infection) and I thought he was going to tell me, "Well you stupid little girl, no wonder you are sick!!! You can't do this! This is NOT GOOD!" And then I even imagined him telling me that it would be just fine to stop and grab a hamburger at my local drive thru on the way home!!!!

And boy was I wrong!

He listened. He flipped through my chart and noted that I last saw him in August and I was 216 lbs then. He applauded me. He told me that while he thought that what I was doing was a bit "drastic," he was very happy with the changes in my life and he wanted me to continue!!!

After I told him that I take a daily multivitamin, omega 3's and vitamin D drops, the only suggestion he had was protein powder, although he said he understood my reasonings for doing this through lent and he was fine with me going without protein that long.

I asked him if he wanted to run any special blood work on me to monitor me during this fast and he said he did not. He felt completely comfortable with my lifestyle change and he complete supports it. He asked that I see him again in 6 months and I am going to schedule a physical then, as well.

One thing I've not mentioned is my Crohn's disease. I was on medicine and was pain daily due to this disease and I have had no Crohn's related pain since starting my fast. I've read that cabbage juice (I try to get in cabbage almost daily) helps reduce the inflammation of ulcers, so it makes sense.


I am NOT a doctor, so please see your own family care physician to get the go-ahead. I feel so great after I saw my doctor. I know it's only been slightly over a week, but I decided to post a before and during photo. I've hit a plateau and decided its best for me to stop weighing in daily. I did these side by side photos and it makes me feel better already. If I can make that kind of change in just a week, imagine the change at the end of my 40 days!?!?

I'm not crazy, am I? Can you see the change? The "before" shirt is an XL and the pink shirt is a size L. Same pants.

One Week Down (end of Day 8)

Whew. It's not easy. I'm craving junk right now.

Everyone keeps asking if I am hungry.

I am not hungry.
I DO miss chewing. I DO miss food. But there is a difference between missing food and actually being hungry.
I crave food but I am not hungry.

I'm not sure if it is safe for me to continue to weigh myself daily. I know I didn't lose any weight at all since yesterday and today was emotionally very hard. I have been very tempted to just say, "Oh well, I tried." and go get myself a hamburger and I think it's because of the weight loss plateau. It's not fair to be so critical of myself...and like someone said to me today, "just because you don't see the weight loss doesn't mean you aren't losing inches. Don't look at the scale, ask yourself how you feel." And the truth is, aside from my horrible ear infection, I feel great!

I will post an updated photo on my Photo/Weight Log tomorrow.

Until then, goodnight and juice on!

The (yummy) Pink Granny

Oh, yum! I made this today when I was really craving junk food today and it it a great snack juice. I meant to add in some carrots, so maybe next time.


This yielded about 30 oz of juice and made for a perfect snack for my husband and I to split.

1 slice of beet (play around with the amount you like, start off small and add more)
1 thumb size knob of ginger
1 green pear
1 Granny Smith apple
1 pink lady apple

Tropical Cabbage

Hahaha

Beautiful, isn't she? And she tastes just as good. My 18 month old gives this two thumbs up.

1/3 head green cabbage
1/4 pineapple
1 heaping handful of strawberries

What do you think???

Day 2 AKA The Dreaded Chocolate Holiday AKA Valentine's Day

Today I was tempted even more than Day 1.

I was the Pizza Mom for the class party today. I had to pick up and deliver the pizza's to school. My husband and I rode in the car for about 15 minutes with the smell of fresh baked bread, gooey cheese, tomato sauce and garlic. Dear Lord, I'm salivating right now.

Then guess who gets put in charge of the chocolate fondu station!?!?!?!?!? Yes, yours truly.

If you don't know me, chocolate covered strawberries are an absolute MUST for Valentine's Day and Mother's Day. Plain and simple. That is my staple. And there I sat.....right next to a fountain of chocolates and fresh strawberries!!!! And that fat girl mentality was saying, "You can have a strawberry!!! It's raw fruit. It's not cheating as long as you don't get the chocolate." And lets be honest, for some people on a juicing fast, one single strawberry as a treat on Valentine's Day is probably not cheating.....but for me, IT IS. I'm an addict. I am going through food rehab. There is no word in the English dictionary that describes how terrible I am at self control when it comes to food and I am going to change that!

And....guess what?!?! I survived!!!! I resisted! I didn't cave. I stood strong and i am damn proud! I said the serenity prayer about a million times, and just as He promised, He was there for me. He gives me strength.

Photo and Weight Log

Here it is.

(I'm so nervous to be posting this so publicly)
Here are my before photos taken at 5 am (so please be kind) this morning (February 13, 2013)

And now....the part I'm really dreading...my starting weight:

193.0 (February 13, 2013)
191.2 (02/14/13-down 1.8 lbs)
188.6 (02/15/13-down 4.4 lbs)
187.6 (02/16/13-down 5.4 lbs)
186.2 (02/17/13-down 6.8 lbs)
185.2 (02/18/13-down 7.8 lbs)
183.8 (02/19/13-down 9.2 lbs)
183.8 (02/20/13-down 9.2 lbs)
I jumped around and refused to officially track my weight due to starting my period
182.6 (02/25/13-down 10.4 lbs)
181.4 (02/26/13-down 11.6 lbs)
182.6 (02/27/13-down 10.4 lbs)
181.4 (02/28/13-down 11.6 lbs)
181.2 (02/28/13-down 11.8 lbs)
182.6 (03/04/13-down 10.4 lbs)
180.8 (03/05/13-down 12.2 lbs)
179.4 (03/06/13-down 13.6 lbs)
178.4 (03/07/13-down 14.6 lbs)
177.6 (03/08/13-down 15.4 lbs)
176.0 (03/09/13-down 16.0 lbs)
174.8 (03/10/13-down 17.2 lbs)
175.8 (03/12/13-down 16.2 lbs)
175.4 (03/13/13-down 17.6 lbs)
03/13-3/15 out of town and my husband refused to let me bring the scale. We had no room. :/ Wish me luck.
173.6 (03/17/13-down 19.4 lbs)
171.2 (03/19/13-down 21.8 lbs)
169.2 (03/21/13-down 23.8 lbs)
169.9 (03/22/13-down 23.1 lbs)
168.7 (03/23/13-down 24.3 lbs)
DAY 40!!!!!
167.9 (03/24/13-down 25.1 lbs)


I will be updating my weight daily and I will update with photos as I see fit (heehee. Get it? As I see fit? Yes, I know. It does not take much to amuse me) so please check back often!



P.S. it's taken me HOURS to get the guts to publish this. If I can do it, trust me, you can too!!!

My newest photo update!!

Kickin Carrot Juice

Simple.
Delicious.
Healthy.

2 large carrots
1 large naval orange
1/2 lime (peeled)
Slice ginger

I will make this one again. Maybe even add some celery.

Why carrots?
-improved vision
-anti-aging
The high level of beta-carotene acts as an antioxidant to cell damage done to the body through regular metabolism. It help slows down the aging of cells.
-healthy glowing skin
Vitamin A prevents premature wrinkling, acne, dry skin, pigmentation, blemishes, and uneven skin tone.
-prevents heart disease
Studies show that diets high in carotenoids are associated with a lower risk of heart disease.
-prevents stroke
A Harvard University study showed that people who ate more than six carrots a week are less likely to suffer a stroke than those who ate only one carrot a month or less.

Did you know? There are more than 100 different species of carrot.

Read more: http://www.care2.com/greenliving/10-benefits-of-carrots.html#ixzz2Kc7AYwt5

Playing With Parsley

This was dinner last night:

Handful of parsley
Handful of kale
2 carrots
2 stalks of celery
2 Granny Smith apples
2 naval oranges
1 red pear

Oooohhhhhhh! So pretty!!!

I was scared to try parsley in my drink but I couldn't taste it at all. Next time I'll have to add more. I've read that parsley is good for cleaning out your kidneys, lowering blood pressure and also increasing milk supply for breast feeding mothers!

Scrap Juice

Well, I don't know about you but I am running low on the fresh fruits and vegetables at my house so this morning I made what I'll call Scrap Juice.

It's quite easy. Anyone with a juicer and something to juice can do it!

Open your fridge, grab out what little you have left, like this:

And create something like this:

1 orange
What little celery I had left
2 small carrots
Half a lemon (with the peel left on)

The lemon is a little overpowering for my taste (and I love lemon) so next time I will probably juice an entire lemon but peel it beforehand. Half a lemon peel was too much for this small glass.

My Plan

Bottom Line: To coincide with lent, I am going on a 40 day juicing fast.

Details:
I am a 30 year old wife and mother to 3 young boys.
I am overweight (I will update this with my starting weight on February 12th) and I need to get healthy.
I have Crohn's disease.

Starting on February 13, 2013 I will be starting a 40 day long juice fast. I am doing this to break my addiction to unhealthy foods, to reboot my system, to allow my body to heal itself on the inside, and to become healthy for once in my life.

I will not be eating any foods. I will not be drinking any coffee, caffeine or alcohol. I will consume only raw fruits and vegetables along with lots and lots of water. I should be drinking about 80 ounces of fresh juice (consisting of about 80% vegetable to 20% fruit ratio) along with at least 60 ounces of water a day, every day, for 40 days.

I am not doing this for the sole reason of losing weight, I am doing this to change my entire life. I don't want to ever go back to my current lifestyle. I don't want to wake up craving unhealthy foods. I want to set a good example of health for my children and I wat to live a healthy life. I don't want to feel so tired and run down all the time. 2012 WILL be the last unhealthy year of my life.

Other benefits to rebooting:
Beautiful hair and skin
Increased energy
Improved immune system
Mental clarity
And just overall better health and happiness

Why juice? Joe Cross explains it best here, but here is a visual:

Allllllll of this fresh goodness

ended up becoming this

which was one very delicious (and VERY filling) lunch!

How We Started Juicing

Where would you be without the friends in your life?

I've thought about this question a lot and the only answer I can come up with is that I have no idea where I'd be without my friends but I most certainly do not want to find out.

I have the most amazing and supportive friends a girl could ever ask for. A dear friend of mine joined a Facebook weight loss support group I started about a year ago and along with another 5-10 members, we've struggled alongside one another with our weight loss for the past year. I was having a rough couple days and I went to my wonderful group of women and did a little venting. About 10 minutes after my little rant, my dear friend Jennifer sends me an email and tells me that a Hamilton Beach Big Mouth Juicer will be delivered to my house by the end of January....and I couldn't fight her on it because he already paid for it! I was (and still am!!!) speechless. I am still humbled, almost 2 weeks later.

Well, my juicer came in and I LOVE it! My husband loves it! Our twin 5 year old sons love it! Our 18 month old little guy loves it! If you are on the fence about buying one, JUST DO IT!!! You won't regret it.

We've made all kinds of juice. I've had a few different people ask me to post recipes and I promise I will start. Right now I am playing around with different fruits, vegetables and tastes but my hope is that I am able to post a photo (with recipe and my personal review) of at least 2 juices a day during my 40 day juice fast. Fingers crossed!

I made a super fast snack of a carrot and a large naval orange and it has been my favorite so far.

Here was a quick breakfast juice with fruits, a beet and celery. This probably made 3 servings.

And here is the beautiful juice it made.

We have replaced all of our snacks and desserts with fresh juice. It's THE thing in our house right now! Do I have anyone else who juices a lot? If so, what recipes are your favorites?

Wait. What!?!?

"He thinks he can go sixty days, only drinking juice, and not eating any food??? Uh huh." was my first thought when my husband told me he thought I should watch a movie called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.

If you've never seen this movie, I highly recommend it. By clicking on the above link, it will take you to the official website which directs you to various places to watch this movie for free. If you are unable to watch it and want a quick synopsis, this is taken from the website:


100 pounds overweight, loaded up on steroids and suffering from a debilitating autoimmune disease, Joe Cross is at the end of his rope and the end of his hope. In the mirror he saw a 310lb man whose gut was bigger than a beach ball and a path laid out before him that wouldn't end well— with one foot already in the grave, the other wasn't far behind. FAT, SICK & NEARLY DEAD is an inspiring film that chronicles Joe's personal mission to regain his health.

With doctors and conventional medicines unable to help long- term, Joe turns to the only option left, the body's ability to heal itself. He trades in the junk food and hits the road with juicer and generator in tow, vowing only to drink fresh fruit and vegetable juice for the next 60 days. Across 3,000 miles Joe has one goal in mind: To get off his pills and achieve a balanced lifestyle.

While talking to more than 500 Americans about food, health and longevity, it's at a truck stop in Arizona where Joe meets a truck driver who suffers from the same rare condition. Phil Staples is morbidly obese weighing in at 429 lbs; a cheeseburger away from a heart-attack. As Joe is recovering his health, Phil begins his own epic journey to get well....

What spoke to me the most was the fact that this man was a normal guy. He wasn't some crazy health nut. He loved his food just like me so I could relate.

Do I need to lose weight? Absolutely. Am I doing this to lose weight? I am. But there is no way I would have even considered doing something as crazy as not eating any food for 40 days JUST to lose weight. Without boring you to tears, I also have some medical conditions that would either greatly improve or completely disappear with a cleanse like this. And let me be clear, I am under no disillusion that once I am done with this fast, I can go right back to my current lifestyle. Absolutely not. Not to mention, I don't want to go 40 days without eating food to not make this a lifestyle change. I want to completely change my life. I am sick of being sick and fat.

In the movie, there is a man who breaks my heart. He is a father of six and had recently undergone open heart surgery so you just assume that this father will see the benefits of changing your lifestyle but instead, he breaks your heart. He basically says that he only has a few years left of his life and the way he sees it, he would rather die at 55 eating what he wanted than live to be 65.

Ouch.

I had just turned 28 when my dad (only 59 years ole) died of a heart attack due to not eating well and not taking care of his body. My dad was just really getting to know his twin grandsons who had just turned 3. They were just starting to become little guys and he was gone. Taken from me far too soon. He has missed out on so much in the last 2.5 years that it makes me heart ache at times. He never got to meet our newest son. He missed the twins' first day of school. I can't count the number of times I've felt I've desperately needed my dad in the last 2.5 years and I don't have him.

And then I look in the mirror, I see the size of my clothes, or I step on the scale and I think to myself, "you fool. You hypocritical fool."

I am extremely overweight. The only thing I have on my side is the fact that I am fairly young. If I am being completely honest with myself, if I continue going the way I'm going, I fully expect to be dead by 60...and that would mean I'm currently in the middle of my life. That terrifies me. I hae so much more to do. I not only want to be there to see my sons get married, I want to dance at their children's wedding, much like my grandmother did at mine and I know if that is going to happen, I need to get serious and change my life.

The plan? On February 13, 2013 I will start my 40 days of juicing. I'm picking this date because its the start of lent and I am going to use this to completely change my life and at the same time, gaining a closer relationship with God.

I want to break my addiction to unhealthy foods. I want to feel good from the outside in. I want to get off of the pharmaceutical drugs I'm on. I want to have a healthy BMI. I want to live a healthy life.

I can't help but go back and think of the father at the diner with his younger son. Maybe he was laughing and making fun of the situation to hide behind his pain? I'm not sure. What I do know is the pain of losing your father at a relatively young age and while I know that simply eating healthy is no guarantee that you will live as long as you'd like, I want to do what I can to show my children how to live healthy and as their parent I feel it's my responsibility to be around for them as long as I can.