Coincidence? A Sign? God.

As I'm sure you can tell from my last post, things have not been easy. I've been struggling internally a lot lately. Although I will say and type over and over, "weight loss does NOT equal success" I am going on a week of not losing any weight (weight log)and quite honestly, I'm getting burnt out. I'm questioning if what I'm doing is really going to make a difference. I feel like giving up so desperately at times it hurts. Today I had a frank conversation with God.

I don't know what your relationship with God is like, if you have a relationship with Him at all, or if you've simply never had one....and to me, it doesn't matter. I do not judge.  God and I have been round and round. I first started out loving Him because I was told that's what you do. I started out trusting in Him because the Bible told me so.
Then I started to believe that prayer was the same thing as bargaining or making a deal. "Dearest and most precious Lord, I know I don't pray to you often enough but I've really been trying to get Eric to notice me soooooo if you make him see what an awesome, beautiful, and loving girl I am and have him ask me out, I promise to pray more often." When that didn't work, I started to beg him and threaten him. "Alright now. I'm not even sure if you exist or not. They say you can do ANYTHING, right? Well, prove it to me! Let me wake up tomorrow 10 pounds lighter or else I'm just going to stop believing in you."
I had questions about my faith but I dare not ask my dad. "God is good, trust in God. If you don't, you will burn for eternity in hell." And if that was true, then I'm sorry, but I didn't care to get to know God. I felt I had a right to ask questions. There came a point on my life where I just didn't trust anymore. I didn't know of He really existed or not but if he did,, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with Him.

And what changed? I didn't have some epic life changing moment. I didn't have some Devine vision from God. I just realized that I wasn't seeing the big picture. I was angry that my phone line to God wasn't getting me immediate results and I was ignoring all the beauty that He WAS blessing me with. I realized that though my husband and I were fighting through infertility, and even though it was so unbelievably unfair, God had placed some pretty amazing friends in my life to help pull me through. I might have had to wait 3 years, countless exams, tests, fertility medicine, surgeries and thousands and thousands of dollars down the drain (and for all of that in the end to have failed), but I had the love and support of most of my family and all of my friends. I was (and still am) blessed, even in my darkest of days.

So I found my way back to God and of course, my church and church family also played (and continues to play) a very important role in that. I found a church where I didn't have to pretend I was perfect. I didn't have to pretend that I never once questioned my faith, that there was never a point in my life where I despised God. I could truly be myself and they would love me for it. And even if they don't ALL love me, they do not condemn me.

I suppose I'm really getting off topic here.

So what am I saying? God and I are on a fist name basis. God and I are closer now than we've ever been before. When I pray, I'm usually doing one of two things, if not both. I praise Him for all He has blessed me with and I ask for clarity. I constantly want to know that the decisions I am making are not just the right decisions, but the best decisions.

Which bring me to today. This morning.

I'm in my kitchen after getting on the horrid scale. I'm frustrated, mad, and desperate. I'm stressed out. I'm talking to God. I'm trying to reason with Him, asking why my efforts don't feel enough. I'm begging for some peace of mind. I need to know that what I am doing will pay off. I just want to know that I am doing well.

There was no voice talking back to me but I did feel a sense of peace. Some calmness.

Then I came across this video. It's not long, I promise. It's work and kid friendly. Check it out.

If you are obese, the likelihood your child will be obese increases by 50%.

Fifty percent. FIFTY percent. Holy cow. That's very alarming. And it was my answer.

The scale is my enemy. The scale makes me want to quit and give in but my body and mind keep telling me the I feel wonderful. My mind keeps telling me to keep going. Logic says that if all I am giving my body is fresh vegetables and fruits, I'm bettering my health. It's not complicated at all. Fresh, natural foods are better for you than processed crap. Even my 5 year olds know that.

Anyway, I really hope that no matter where you are on your journey, you are able to find peace somewhere and faith in the fact that what we are doing is an amazing gift to ourselves and for our children.

Juice on!